Why won't you love me back?

Last 1 week plus was hard.

After i finally solved my breastfeeding issues with Mrs Wong, i was slowly settling in and was able to deal with what i have to cope.

But then a week ago i had a migraine attack for the first time since i got pregnant which was about 9 months ago.

For those of you who have been reading me, you could search for my migraine post, i can't link it here cox i am blogging from my mobile again. But anyway you'd have known that my migraine is a full blown shithole. Blind spot, stiff neck, nausea, numbness on limbs and tongue etc.. And i usually have it once every month. Or if i'm lucky, once every 2 months. And when it happens, i am as good as a handicap.

Now that i'm no longer pregnant, migraine is coming back with a vengeance. No joke. I had one last week, and then again 2 days ago and then again yesterday.

Each time i have it i break down and cry. Like WHYYYYY. WHYYYYY GOD.

I know i am having the M (don't wanna say it in word anymore) becox i am having too little sleep and in between becox i have to pump, i get disturbed sleep even with Josh taking the midnjght shift for the baby so that i could rest.

It's like i don't understand, i try so hard to make breastfeeding work.. Why does it give me new problem every other day..

I wanted it to work so much i even went to buy all these amongst other things..

Support cushion for baby to latch comfortably,the  lady told me it's the best in the market although it's a little bit more costly than the rest, she say it helps position the baby very well during breastfeeding. Shut up and take my money.

Nipple shield and niplette from AVENT. Lady told me it works like a nipple-puller and it will really help short nipples during breastfeeding. Shut up and take my money, again. Lol.

It's like i'm in a bad relationship but i have fallen so deep i refuse to get out.

First we had a rough start. Breastfeeding and i. It was simply a one-sided love, it seems like only i want it to work out. But we got together anyhow but there was no honeymoon period.

It constantly hurt me (physically) and my feelings. And sometimes when my baby has upset stomach / unhealthy stool i will blame my breastmilk T.T Which makes me feel like a horrible cow who possibly produce bad milk.

But i keep trying and trying, accomodating to all the demands just to continue my relationship with breastfeeding. But it keeps giving me new problems.

Why won't you love me, breastfeeding. Why?

Everytime i have a M attack, i just wanna breakup with breastfeeding and sleep in peace and just focus on caring for the baby with Josh. M handicaps me for hours and this family become one man down. Then Josh have to take on the duties of caring for two person.

On 2nd of April i woke up with tenderness on my right boob so i pump and then hand-expressed. Next session it didn't get better and it's very back-breaking to hand-express and aim for the container lol so Josh was helping me from the back. We squeezed quite a fair bit but still the soreness didn't go away.

Afternoon it developed into a hard block. I still try to pump and hand-express.. Didn't work..

At the same time becox Meredith was fussing so much at night and crying her lungs out every night, we went to see the peds.

Went to Dr Eugene Han at Thomson Medical. He really is the most patient doctor who listened to us and didn't try to get it over and done with ASAP.

In case you are wondering, i paid. It's a very difficult time so please don't leave me boh liao comments, thank you.

That's Meredith looking suspicious haha. Turns out she is gaining weight healthy and Dr Eugene Han offered us a well-rounded set of solutions to tackle her crying problem. From non-medical to medical. I am very happy now my baby is in good hands!

Our previous peds is at Paragon and the doctor is okay don't get me wrong. It's just i need someone who can really hear me out cox you know first time parent all very gan jeong one.

Anyway.. On the way to Meredith's checkup, i already realise i'm running a fever cox of the inflammed right boob.

Things escalated pretty fast and next i was having chills and bodyache.

Since we're at Thomson i walk-in to the 24 hour family clinic and got myself meds for my flu, cough, fever and inflammation of the boob.

But i'm actually very very distraughted by the fact that breastfeeding gave me yet another problem. So i ask for pills to stop milk supply just in case.

It hurts so bad not so much physically though the sore boobs was quite a bitch.

It's more like.. A mental torture. This gift i have to provide something good for my baby, that i tried so hard to make it work.. Is giving me so much problems that i might have to cut it off.. It's the struggle of taking away something good for your child OR live in misery.

It's really like a bad relationship. You want to make it happen but it's almost abusive haha. I kept tearing up at just the thought of stopping.

Back at home i tried to hand-express milk again and the milk was warm cox i'm running a fever right. My right boob was so sore and inflammed i wanted to die. So i started crying again T.T Damn emtionally unstable. Not sure anymore if i was collecting milk or tears in the container..

So i guess i had enough.. I don't wanna be in pain mentally and physically anymore. I don't want to have Josh so beaten up taking care of me and the baby, alone.

And this was it. So i took the pill and went to the kitchen to tell Josh i'm sorry.

He always assured me that breastfeeding or not, it doesn't bother him. And at this point he only tell me "It's okay. If you tell me now you wanna do it but you can't, i'd help you until you can.. But if you decided to stop, then just stop. I will support you either way. I just want you to be comfortable.." Him being so understanding make me feel even more touched T.T

It then dawn on me that.. All these doesn't matter anymore. I should see just how blessed i am.. With a husband who is covering both our shifts and didn't even complain. Who sleeps less than 3 hours a day but still finds the energy to cook for me everyday when i'm sick..

And i have awesome sponsor like Philips who provided me with the best baby products.. I was very touched by the care and concern they've shown me during this period when i'm breastfeeding.

When i finally decided to stop, i went to carry Meredith and sat by the window for some fresh air and sunlight.. And i felt really relieved. That now on.. I just have to focus on making my baby happy.

But i guess overall.. I need to be happy too. Crying everyday is just not my thing omg. Today on it's just me, Josh, Meredith and the people who love us.

No more crying and constantly falling sick and feeling sorry for myself. And with that i give up the special talent god give to almost all mothers in world..

Sorry baby, please know that i still love you. If not i would have given up on first day O.O For one, i am super duper afraid of pain hahah. 我真的很怕痛的!!!

That was the last bag of milk i manage to store.. I can't say i am feeling awesome about stopping breastfeeding becox now when the let-down feeling comes and my boobs leak milk even without me squeezing / pumping.. I feel sad.

Sad that i have given up, sad that i let the baby down. Sad that it didn't work out the way it should have. A lot of people think breastfeeding is a natural thing to happen. It is but it doesn't happen smoothly for everyone.

I was showering in the bathroom and there it happen again. My boobs were leaking. And then i cried in the shower for a good 10 minutes T___T Reminding myself of what i have lost..

Even in my dreams the last two days i kept dreaming of being able to pump milk again. Then i'd wake up with a shitty feeling of "it's all too late.. Why did i give up. I am shitty person"

What the heck you want, breastfeeding. I already broke up with you why are you trying to patch back with me haha. Please stop. I need to move on. You never really loved me anyway.

I am sorry i gave up. But i need to move on. I need to be happier.. I still need to be a mum even if i am not breastfeeding. I mean.. Being a mum is not just about breastfeeding, right? Right..?